I re-friended the man that broke my heart. I told him that I was sorry for going crazy and becoming needy of his love. And I told him that it was because I loved him so deeply that I completely lost myself.
It would have been easier to have stayed angry at him, playing the victim and remaining upset at the idea that he had “mistreated me”. It would have been easier to have continued believing the story that I had created around him being heartless, cold and a love avoider.
It was much harder to admit that I was a player in my own heartbreak.
The truth is that I abandoned my own love by placing my happiness into his hands. I had projected my fantasy of love onto him and as a result, I became needy.
I gave up my own self care practises when I was with him.
I lost my own sense of self and purpose.
I placed all of my happiness onto the relationship and as a result, the relationship became strained and ended.
Things got bitter and we ended up deciding that it was best not to speak.
After a period of time, he started coming back into my mind again, strongly. And I decided that I wanted to tell him that I was sorry. As I did, a contraction in my chest that had been there without me even realising it released and my heart opened. I wept as I met with a love so deep. And in that moment, I realised the pain that I had been holding onto, not forgiving this man or myself. And I remembered what it felt like to have an open heart. To love, even when there was hurt present. To release a person and allow them to be uncaged and free of any expectations and judgements that I had laid upon them. To love them so deeply that all I wanted for them was the best- even when they couldn’t love me back.
And as my heart opened, I remembered that the person I was forgiving, was me. He was the part of me that I couldn’t bare to look at. The part of me that wanted freedom, too. The part of me that was so scared of taking the conditions off our love, that I would control what love would look like, holding onto it so tightly it could not move.
By controlling him was me stepping on my own freedom. And squashing his, too.
Forgiveness releases the shackles that binds our heart to anxiety.